Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
