You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
