Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
