watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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