"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I think my fart just growled at me.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
