Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
