you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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