The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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