how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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