Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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