I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
