Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
