I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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