if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
