PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
