pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
