oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
