someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
