Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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