Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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