so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
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the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
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I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
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