my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP