tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
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I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.