Don't make out with my wife yet
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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