i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
