hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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