Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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