She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
