mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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