I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
