Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
