I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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