Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
