so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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