my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
