my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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