Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
