dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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