I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
