Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
