I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize