: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
