we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
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Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We just shotgunned beers for America
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
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Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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