so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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