dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
