i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
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pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
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You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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