i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
