Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
