the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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