your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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