At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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