I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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